Picture of the day

Again I apologize for not posting these as often as I'd like. Ill try to start again. I picked a picture for today: 

This really relates to my life, because I may be happy now but life always finds a way of changing that. Maybe because I deserve it or maybe because I'm a horrible person. I know this happiness won't last and ill start cutting more and more. That's the part that scares me. xx -Dani.

June 25th

I have to start posting more. I really apologize, sometimes it just slips my mind. This is the fourth night in a row that I've had a sleepover with my cousin. I like to have her here because it makes me feel less alone and it keeps me busy. Tomorrow I'm staying at my friends house again, the same one that had the birthday party that I went to. I'm excited because I love her and its another way to stay busy. Ill try to post more often. xx -Dani. 

June 23rd

Sorry I haven't posted for what feels like a long time. I haven't had great connection as I was up north for my cousins wedding. It was pretty fun I got to dance and see people I haven't for a while. I went to see the movie monsters university today and it was great. Ill always love kid movies. I'm having a sleepover with my cousin tonight and were having a good time. I enjoy keeping busy because it really does stop me from having bad days. xx -Dani.

June 20th

Today I bought a dress to wear to my cousins wedding. It made me feel more confident even though I'm not the skinniest person alive. I'm still trying to lose weight because I won't feel good about myself until I do. The wedding isn't until Saturday and its a five hour drive so were staying in a hotel after the reception. Tomorrow I'm getting my nails done with my mom and that'll be another bit of a confidence boost. For part of today it was really bad.. I was crying and I relapsed on cutting because it felt like the only thing I could do. Hopefully I get over it... xx -Dani. 

Lyric of the day:

I found some lyrics for today that I really liked, they're from an Ed Sheeran song:

Tell you the truth, I hate what didn't kill me. It never made me stronger at all.

I can relate to these lyrics partly, I feel a little bit stronger from all that I've been through. But really I feel numb, drained, and almost dead. What I've been through has caused me depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. Is that your definition of strong? xx -Dani. 

June 19th

Nothing has really been going on in my life lately, which I guess you could say that's good. I mean, at least nothing bad is happening... I went to my psychiatrist today and she doubled my depression meds because the original dose wasn't really helping. Hopefully this does something for me because I'm sick of living like this. I haven't eaten anything today besides a smoothie, it makes me hope ill be a lot skinnier by the time school starts. I've just been watching a lot of tv and reading, I like to get into other people's worlds since mine sucks. Well, I'm off to start reading a new book. xx -Dani.

Picture of the day:

I found another picture for today and I'm skipping the diary entry for today as nothing has really happened today.

I really like this picture because its something I ask myself a lot. I'm actually not positive if anyone really loves me at all.. Just another insecurity I guess. Who could love someone as messed up as me? It would explain why everyone leaves me, and why I put my walls up. I push everyone away though I don't try. xx -Dani.

You don't understand.

I hate that most people don't understand depression. I had a conversation yesterday with my cousin and it keeps running through my head. He asked me why I'm depressed and I replied saying its been a bunch of reasons stacked up. The funny thing is, he isn't the first person that's asked me this. It's hard to explain... Then my cousin said that I should just get over it and then he asked why I wouldn't want to be happy. I just stared at him and said, don't you think I want to be happy? I didn't choose this. Depression is a disease and not something you can just 'get over'. I would love to have a happy life, and not a care in the world, but I don't. I often find myself searching for a reason to be happy, and almost always I come back empty handed. It's people like him that make me feel alone, like I'm some sort of messed up freak. He doesn't get it and neither do most of the people I know. I didn't choose this. This isn't the life I wanted. xx -Dani.

Picture of the day:

Today I chose a picture:

I chose this picture because its been in my mind a lot today, being insecure in the bathing suit only made it worse. Starving, binging, and purging are going to make me look 'perfect'. I want to feel good about myself but constant bullying or what some people call 'teasing' makes me think the worst of myself so I can't. I feel like the ugliest fattest girl in the world and sometimes I think people think the same about me. I hate me. xx -Dani. 

June 16th.

In the morning I woke up and left my friends house to go to the water park with my family. I was very insecure there because of my body being in a bathing suit, of course it was a one piece. I also had to wear board shorts along with it to hide my scars, cuts, and stretch marks. I seriously hate my body so much and I felt so many judging eyes on me. I'm trying to be thin, I will one day. When I'm thin everyone has to accept me, right? I hope that one day I'll be confident though I doubt it. I'm jealous of those girls that are stick thin and can eat anything without gaining a pound. Why can't that be me? I just needed more struggles in my life I guess. xx -Dani.

Where I've been.

I apologize that I haven't been on but ill try to be on more often. Yesterday I went to the sleep over for my friends birthday and it was actually really good for me. I got to go out and sit in nature with not a care in the world. I didn't think about anything, which makes me think I should do it more often. As for today I went to a water park with my family which also took my mind off things. Maybe I just need to keep busy. I'm going to try it.. xx -Dani.

Quote of the day.

Today I chose a quote that I like:

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” -Andre Gide

I try to live by this though I'm not really being who I am in front of others. I put up this act of happiness and hope and that really isn't me. xx -Dani. 

June 14th..

My diary entry for today: Today wasn't too bad, not one of my worst days anyway.. I didn't sleep well last night as I have nightmares and insomnia. I did cut, but not as many as yesterday which is good to me at least. I spent most of my day blogging on tumblr and reading other people's blogs. It brings me comfort knowing that I'm not the only one suffering. I went to the mall and bought my friend a birthday present because her party is tomorrow. I should be more excited for it, but I'm not. I'd rather isolate myself from everyone which isn't healthy either. I haven't eaten anything today and its 7:10, I'm getting back on track. Ill have more weight off in no time, which brings me a spark of happiness. I'm tired because of not sleeping and I hope I sleep better tonight because being tired is killing me. I hope tomorrow isn't horrible, I hope I enjoy myself as if that's possible. There is some kind of force that doesn't want me to be happy and I'm thinking that that force is me. Ill probably spend the rest of my night on tumblr and watching Netflix. xx -Dani.

A flashback from not so long ago, June 6th 2013.

The animals and people I love just love to leave me, huh? I don't like letting people get close to me just out of the fear that they too someday will leave me. I have these walls up that I don't purposefully put up. They're there so I stop getting hurt. It's so difficult to let people in, I just end up pushing everyone away. Which in turn, ends up hurting me more. I have abandonment issues but that's just another thing to add onto my list. My mom wonders why it hurts me when she always want to be at her boyfriends? It's just those issues, that she will never understand. I should just learn to not need anybody since no one wants me anyway. I've gotten off topic so, now I'm going to take you back not so long ago to June 6th 2013. It was the last day of school for me so I should've been happy, right? Wrong. It was one of the worst days of my life, not just because school was ending and it would mean I'd be alone a lot. We all know what happens when I'm alone... The other reason is because I lost someone very special to me, my dog. It may seem very minuscule to you but it was huge to me. You see, I had him for over ten years. I told him everything, he was one of my best friends. Crazy, I know. A dog as a best friend? It's easy to have an animal as a best friend because they wont judge you, and they're always there for you. As you can tell, I have a lot of reasons why I'd be judged. Anyways, he was a big black lab and his name was joe. He was the most lovable, cuddly dog. He'd always sleep with me and give me his doggy kisses. We'd go on walks and everything and I just loved him so much, I still do. We knew he was getting older and sicker, he was having issues walking and breathing. The last day he was alive he couldn't walk at all and breathing for him was horrible. We made an appointment to put him down because we didn't want him to suffer, he didn't deserve that. I got out of school and went home to see him, I laid on the floor with him and talked to him. I cried so hard in front of everyone to the point that my throat was raw, keep in mind that I never cry in front of anyone because I feel like it makes me look weak. The time of his appointment was approaching and it was a long drive to where we were taking him. I sat in the backseat with his head in my lap as he was laying there gasping for air.. I sang to him the whole car ride and told him he could let go because my dad would be in heaven waiting to love and take care of him. I was hoping that would give him some comfort although I didn't want him to leave me. I was being selfish, I know. So, we were waiting in the car because we were early. He was still laying on me and I was crying and petting him. All of the sudden his breathing just stopped and I looked up at my mom and I said, "mom, he's not breathing." She just instantly started to cry harder and her boyfriend went in to tell the vet. Joe started making gasping sounds like a fish out of water and the vet took his pulse and told us he really was gone... He had died on my lap.. Naturally... Though I suppose it's good that he went naturally opposed to being put down and he was surrounded by his family.. But it still really hurts and I miss him so much. But now I know he isn't in pain. He's being cremated and I'm going to put his urn someplace special.. I'm really sick of losing people.. It's a pain you can't describe to someone unless they've felt it. It's just like losing my dad all over again. And now all that runs through my head is, who next? Who's going to leave me next? Or what is possibly going to be thrown at me next? R.i.p James(my dad) 08.14.10 & R.i.p Joe 06.06.13 You may be gone, but you're never forgotten and always in my heart. xx -Dani. 

Why do I cut?

I'm sure this is a frequently asked question but here it goes. I cut because it take my mind of this dark world even for a second. I cut because I want to feel. It's really the only thing I can feel, pain. I'm so numb that I love to feel what I can, even if its hurting myself. Cutting is my only relief from all of this darkness I feel.. xx -Dani. 

Lyric of the day

So yesterday it was a picture of the day.. It'll vary from day to day on what it is. Whether its a quote, picture, or lyrics. Today I chose a lyric because its how I'm feeling as of now. 

Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands. Cause I can't do this on my own, I'm letting go.

So give me one more chance, to save me from this road I'm on. Jesus take the wheel. -Carrie Underwood

Im starting to let go.. I don't have anything to fight for so why stay? What's the point? I don't like having to live in pain. If only everyone could feel how I was feeling so they'd understand. Most people say they understand what I'm going through, but honestly they don't. If most if them tried to walk a mile in my shoes they'd fall the first step. xx -Dani.

June 13th

I know it's early still but I'm not having a great day so I thought I'd just do my diary entry now because I might not come back on today... I slept in today which shocked me because its rare for me to actually get sleep. Then I started to think, which for me isn't good. That lead to cutting multiple times.. Cutting isn't good, I know. But I deserve the pain. Everything that has happened to me is in someway my fault. Right? After that I went to subway... That wasn't a good idea because after I ate it I purged because I felt guilty and ugly for eating it. I need to get back on track with starving myself because I haven't been lately. This was the first time I purged in a while and it felt amazing. I have to be discreet with my eating disorder because I go to my psychiatrist every month and they weigh me everytime. Last time she was catching on to me because I had lost ten pounds in less than a month. I can't afford for her to catch me because I need to keep doing this. My mom is going to her boyfriends tonight which isn't good for me because I know it will result in loud, sad music, crying, and cutting. But my family still insists I'm not depressed. Do you want to see my cuts? I was not misdiagnosed even though you all think so. I fake being happy in front of you all so I don't have to talk about my depression. No one can tell I'm depressed so I guess I'm just an amazing actress. If only I didn't have to act... xx -Dani. 

How did I lose the weight?

Well I told everyone I know that I've just been eating more healthy and exercising. Is that true? No. I lied to them all. I have an eating disorder. I just couldn't take looking the way I did anymore, being called fat and not being able to fit into cute clothes killed me. It's just so addicting starving myself, or when I do eat purging after. Watching the weight drop motivates me to continue. If I eat and don't purge I feel guilty for even eating in the first place. I guess my self esteem, the verbal abuse, and society all lead up to this. My goal is 100 pounds and I'm not stopping until I get there. I want to be thin so badly it's killing me. You probably think I'm majorly messed up, and the answer to that is yes, I am. I'm a teenager with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and low self esteem. 

This picture isn't me, though it reminds me of myself and I thought it was relevant to this post because these are the type of thoughts I have about myself. xx -Dani. 

My tumblr

I just created a tumblr if you'd like to follow it(: http://imjustanotherdepressedteen.tumblr.com/ 

Ill be posting a variety of things there. xx -Dani. 

Picture of the day:

Everyday ill either have a picture, quote, or lyric of the day. This is the first one and its going to be a picture. P.s. like I said on my last post I won't always post this much every day. 

Words hurt, verbal abuse really should stop.. It's part of the reason I was pushed into depression. I've always been verbally abused by people at school, family members, etc. I relate to this picture because I have scars to prove it as well. Some of the verbal abuse consists of: name calling, "you won't ever have to worry about guys chasing after you because they wouldn't want you", you're fat, ugly, you're a whore, you look like a monkey and the lists go on and on. You might think its just a harmless joke or "teasing" but the truth is it really hurts.. You want to see the scars you've caused? xx -Dani. 

June 12th 2013

Today I was alone most of the day because my mom had to work.. When I'm alone it isn't very good because I get to thinking. I went into my room and grabbed my x-acto knife from under my bed. I went into my closet and started to cut my thigh, cutting isn't healthy I know but it takes away some of the pain from my thoughts. Thoughts of I'm the cause of my dads suicide, ill die alone, I'm not good enough, I'm ugly, no one will ever want me, no one loves me, etc. My anxiety is so bad I where tons of makeup just to feel pretty, but most times I don't. When I get compliments I have a hard time believing them because my self esteem is so low... I made four cuts and I sat there, watching them bleed. For a few minutes, I had nothing to think about. My mind was clear of all thoughts and pain. Last night when Connor, the guy I like told me he needed more time single this summer to get over his ex I started having more bad thoughts... I just told him I understood but I'm getting tired of waiting. I guess I shouldn't be getting tired of it because he's probably the only guy that will ever like me back. I should feel special. I'm just being selfish, he should get all the time he needs. 


(I said this would be kind of like my public diary, this post is pretty random and they won't always be like this.. I might skip some days and do other things like flashbacks and/or good memories. I also won't post this much everyday. If you have any comments on how I could make this blog better feel free to let me know, I'll probably have a quote/lyrics/picture of the day everyday. Anyways, thanks for reading xx -Dani.)

Flashback to the summer of 2010...

I'm going to take you back to the summer of 2010 when my life started heading for the worst. Keep in my mind that my parents weren't together at the time so I spent most of the summer up with my dads side of the family. That summer he was in a treatment facility and his wife, mom, my step sister(Tiffany) and I old go up twice a week to visit him for a couple of hours. Well, when he got out it was close to the end of summer and I was going into seventh grade. I had to go back home to start school (I live with my mom). I still had a couple of weeks before school was going to start but I had meetings and orientation, and I got a call from another one of my stepsisters(Tara). She asked if I had seen my dad because he was missing, I told her I hadn't and she said she was just wondering because she thought he might've came up to see me. A few days later I got a call that my dad had passed. He had tried to commit suicide, but failed. He went to hand himself but as he was on the branch tying the noose the branch broke and he fell, slamming his head down hard on a rock. The fall had also broken his arm. He had laid there unconscious for about three days, which is why he was missing, but then he just passed.... Finding that out ultimately killed me inside and I haven't been 'me' since. Well, a week after his funeral his widow, my stepmom(Kim) had a brain aneurism. I was there when she collapsed and seeing the sight of all the blood coming out scarred me... Sometimes I still can picture her and hear the noises that she was making. If I hadn't been there she most likely wouldve died.. That just pushed me further into depression. I really haven't been the same since... xx -Dani. 

My Intro.

Hey there and welcome to my blog! Thank you for taking time to come and read my posts. Just to get this out of the way now, if you don't like what I'm writing don't leave hate. This will be sort of a public diary for me and if that's not the kind of blog you like feel free to click away. I am by no means forcing you to read my posts. I actually don't expect anyone to read any of my posts but if someone does, thank you. My name is Dani and I'm soon to be 16, which means ill be a sophomore in this upcoming school year. As you can probably tell I have depression, as well as anxiety and ADHD. I've been diagnosed as I do see a counselor and psychiatrist. I realize everyone has there own opinions but if you have something negative to say I strongly suggest you don't say it. But if you relate to me or have anything you would like to tell me I'm always here to talk so don't hesitate to contact me. I love to listen and help you in anyway I can. You haven't really learned anything about me so far, but as I will try to post everyday you will learn more. I'd like to leave this post on a happy note so again, thank you for visiting my blog/diary! xx -Dani.