Today I was alone most of the day because my mom had to work.. When I'm alone it isn't very good because I get to thinking. I went into my room and grabbed my x-acto knife from under my bed. I went into my closet and started to cut my thigh, cutting isn't healthy I know but it takes away some of the pain from my thoughts. Thoughts of I'm the cause of my dads suicide, ill die alone, I'm not good enough, I'm ugly, no one will ever want me, no one loves me, etc. My anxiety is so bad I where tons of makeup just to feel pretty, but most times I don't. When I get compliments I have a hard time believing them because my self esteem is so low... I made four cuts and I sat there, watching them bleed. For a few minutes, I had nothing to think about. My mind was clear of all thoughts and pain. Last night when Connor, the guy I like told me he needed more time single this summer to get over his ex I started having more bad thoughts... I just told him I understood but I'm getting tired of waiting. I guess I shouldn't be getting tired of it because he's probably the only guy that will ever like me back. I should feel special. I'm just being selfish, he should get all the time he needs.
(I said this would be kind of like my public diary, this post is pretty random and they won't always be like this.. I might skip some days and do other things like flashbacks and/or good memories. I also won't post this much everyday. If you have any comments on how I could make this blog better feel free to let me know, I'll probably have a quote/lyrics/picture of the day everyday. Anyways, thanks for reading xx -Dani.)
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