A flashback from not so long ago, June 6th 2013.

The animals and people I love just love to leave me, huh? I don't like letting people get close to me just out of the fear that they too someday will leave me. I have these walls up that I don't purposefully put up. They're there so I stop getting hurt. It's so difficult to let people in, I just end up pushing everyone away. Which in turn, ends up hurting me more. I have abandonment issues but that's just another thing to add onto my list. My mom wonders why it hurts me when she always want to be at her boyfriends? It's just those issues, that she will never understand. I should just learn to not need anybody since no one wants me anyway. I've gotten off topic so, now I'm going to take you back not so long ago to June 6th 2013. It was the last day of school for me so I should've been happy, right? Wrong. It was one of the worst days of my life, not just because school was ending and it would mean I'd be alone a lot. We all know what happens when I'm alone... The other reason is because I lost someone very special to me, my dog. It may seem very minuscule to you but it was huge to me. You see, I had him for over ten years. I told him everything, he was one of my best friends. Crazy, I know. A dog as a best friend? It's easy to have an animal as a best friend because they wont judge you, and they're always there for you. As you can tell, I have a lot of reasons why I'd be judged. Anyways, he was a big black lab and his name was joe. He was the most lovable, cuddly dog. He'd always sleep with me and give me his doggy kisses. We'd go on walks and everything and I just loved him so much, I still do. We knew he was getting older and sicker, he was having issues walking and breathing. The last day he was alive he couldn't walk at all and breathing for him was horrible. We made an appointment to put him down because we didn't want him to suffer, he didn't deserve that. I got out of school and went home to see him, I laid on the floor with him and talked to him. I cried so hard in front of everyone to the point that my throat was raw, keep in mind that I never cry in front of anyone because I feel like it makes me look weak. The time of his appointment was approaching and it was a long drive to where we were taking him. I sat in the backseat with his head in my lap as he was laying there gasping for air.. I sang to him the whole car ride and told him he could let go because my dad would be in heaven waiting to love and take care of him. I was hoping that would give him some comfort although I didn't want him to leave me. I was being selfish, I know. So, we were waiting in the car because we were early. He was still laying on me and I was crying and petting him. All of the sudden his breathing just stopped and I looked up at my mom and I said, "mom, he's not breathing." She just instantly started to cry harder and her boyfriend went in to tell the vet. Joe started making gasping sounds like a fish out of water and the vet took his pulse and told us he really was gone... He had died on my lap.. Naturally... Though I suppose it's good that he went naturally opposed to being put down and he was surrounded by his family.. But it still really hurts and I miss him so much. But now I know he isn't in pain. He's being cremated and I'm going to put his urn someplace special.. I'm really sick of losing people.. It's a pain you can't describe to someone unless they've felt it. It's just like losing my dad all over again. And now all that runs through my head is, who next? Who's going to leave me next? Or what is possibly going to be thrown at me next? R.i.p James(my dad) 08.14.10 & R.i.p Joe 06.06.13 You may be gone, but you're never forgotten and always in my heart. xx -Dani.